If you want to know how to build a better relationship with your soul mate, there are probably two things you need to know first:
- What is a soul mate?
- Is this person my soul mate?
One question I get asked a lot, “is he my soul mate?” I mean, a lot. And that may be running a tie with “When is he going to call?”
The term “soul mate”, while certainly open to interpretation, has in many cases come to mean “the one person with whom I am going to spend the rest of my life in blissful happiness.”
There’s a well-known poem that’s been around for quite a while about people who come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. In many respects, it reflects my personal understanding of what a soul mate is.
- Not everyone who comes into our lives is meant to be with us for our entire lifetime.
- Not all relationships are soul mate relationships.
- Not all soul mate relationships are romantic. Our soul mates might be our parents, siblings, close friends, and others with whom we are not romantically or sexually involved.
- Not all soul mate relationships are happy.
- Not all of our soul mates are our life mates.
To delve deeper into the concept of soul mate relationships, I suggest anything written by Brian Weiss or Michael Newton. Both have written beautifully in-depth books on this subject, and I hope you’ll find their ideas and experiences useful and enlightening.
Here’s a different approach that may be more helpful and practical when applied to the dating and mating game we all play. Unfortunately, I often see three major stumbling blocks or mistakes in relationships.
You perceive and want to believe (hope!) that your partner or desired partner is your soul mate. That creates the expectation that the shorthand definition (“the one person with whom I am going to spend the rest of my life in blissful happiness”) applies to your relationship with this person.
The expectation I just described makes you accept and tolerate the opposites of a healthy, loving relationship: abuse, neglect, disrespect and co-dependence.
If you are suffering and tormented by what’s supposed to be “love”, if your self-esteem and self-respect are being crushed by what’s supposed to be “love”, or if you have abandoned your safety and happiness for the sake of what’s supposed to be “love”, you’re in deep trouble. You may be in a soul mate relationship, but the ending won’t necessarily be the happily ever after one.
The third mistake is forcing the facts to fit your desired outcome – placing the cart squarely in front of the horse. You start by believing the soul mate shorthand. Then you set out to find that soul mate. And often, you disregard the facts regarding the person or situation you find. You try to pretzel yourself and/or every potential partner you meet into that belief system, often with disastrous results.
You want to find the special person with whom you can share true love and a deep bond, and make a life with them. But if that erroneous belief in the “ideal” is blinding you to what’s actually happening in the relationship, and if it’s blinding you to another’s bad behavior or ill-treatment of you, you’re unlikely to reach that “ideal” you so desire.
A Better Approach
Even if you and your significant other are fortunate enough to mutually fall in love at first sight, there are some things that still need to happen in order for you to know if this is truly your mate (either true soul mate and/or life mate). The good news? You get to choose whether or not to participate in the relationship, to improve and positively influence it, or to let it go.
So for starters: date. By that I mean, interact with each other, spend time together, talk with each other about the things you enjoy; whether that’s opera or sports, trivia games or Shakespeare’s sonnets. I believe if you keep an open mind and focus on the interactions, you’ll know very soon whether this person is going to remain just a “date” rather than a soul mate. Or you may find he is a soul mate who is not a life mate. Or happily, you both realize you have found your life mate in each other.
Ask yourself, how does this person treat me? How do I treat him? Along with the giddy, riding on the rollercoaster flush of love and passion, is there respect and consideration in your treatment of each other? When he says he will do something, does he actually follow through? Do you? If what people are feeling, saying and doing are all consistent, the foundation is there for a healthy, loving relationship. In other words, these things can show you if you are able to mate – to be soul mates who are also life mates.
If things seem to be hitting a major snag it’s time to take a deep breath, step back and evaluate. Are there changes you can make to your behavior? Compromising on things like activities and accommodating each other’s preferences can be great ways to build on your relationship.
This week it may be pizza and watching sports for him. Next weekend might be sushi and a museum visit for you.
You can also practice active listening with your partner to find the best communication style for both of you. In this way, you hear what he is saying, and he can also learn to truly hear you.
All of these are examples of healthy adaptation and can bring about positive changes and growth. These are ways to improve and build your relationship with your soul mate.
But if you are compromising your principles – doing things that demean you or lower your self-esteem, it’s time to take a long hard look at what’s happening.
If you’re feeling uncomfortable and anxious, that is your intuition or gut instinct trying to protect you from potential harm. It may be the time to let the relationship go, either temporarily or permanently.
Even if the person with whom you are involved in a harmful relationship is your soul mate, you still get to choose – and one choice may be not to go through life in this kind of pain. You can choose not to be life mates.
Are there changes the other person can make? We can’t control another’s behavior or make them change. What we can do is communicate honestly about our own feelings and experiences. If they’ve heard us, they then have a choice – to adapt in order to improve or positively influence the relationship. Or not. And if not, the soul mate relationship may not be a life mate relationship.
No matter what happens, give yourself the benefit of getting to know your partner. As you move through different stages of your relationship, you will discover things about him – and about yourself. That awareness will guide you to build a better relationship with your mate. Soul mate? Life Mate? Build the best relationship possible, and you’ll know in your heart.
Relationship coaching, either combined with Tarot or not, can help you focus on yourself in a positive way and give you guidance for growth. You’ll be supported in building a healthy relationship with the most important person in your life – you! From that place of strength and empowerment, I can help you take practical steps for learning how to find a great partner and create the relationship of your dreams.